Letting go of the cane

Over the years I have become less and less convinced of the merits of spanking a child. It is not the ideal way to raise one.

At best, it is the quickest solution to a long-term challenge.

As a parent myself, I have wavered between periods of spanking and not spanking, imagining it to be joyless but an occasionally necessary evil.

Now I am resolved not to spank my children at all – or at least, to die trying.

Those who support corporal punishment point to how we were all beaten as children and grew up none the worse for it. Most of us are fairly responsible citizens.

Then they point to how children those days are naughtier than before – more defiant, less respectful – and the difference, they say, is that they get away with more now.

But whether children are truly worse now than in the past has not been shown either way. They are certainly different; they come to things much earlier than we did.

But like all children, past and present, they need guidance.

And when it comes to discipline, schools can only do so much.

Parents have the unenviable lion’s share of raising them so they become responsible, respectful and resourceful adults.

Using the cane, however, is unlikely to be the most constructive way to achieve this.

Perhaps it’s true that most of us turned out all right despite having been caned as children.

The untestable hypothesis is whether we would have turned out better without it.

And even if it did us no lasting damage, what exactly was it supposed to achieve?

That was something I could never resolve, even in those moments I stood brandishing a cane in order to bend a child to my will.

Is the rod punishment or deterrent?

A deterrent would be like those anti-barking collars, which zaps dogs with a jolt of electricity every time they yap. Soon they learn to keep their mouths shut.

The problem with using the canes that way was, it wasn’t all that effective.

My children seemed as likely to commit the same infringements as before. Would I have to beat them to a pulp before they got the message? Did I have to up the ante every time?

I know of someone who got out his belt so often that his son eventually would just bring it to him and say, “Not too hard, please.”

That’s a tough kid. But is he a better one?

As for caning as punishment, many parents use it as such.

But there are other forms of punishment which may be just as effective without being violent. Remove all privileges. Ground them. Put them down to work. Hey, get creative.

Parent already have power over their children, simply by being their sole providers. They don’t need a big stick to prove it.

The sinister thing about corporal punishment is that it’s often just sheer venting. The line between discipline and abuse is probably crossed too often.

They tell you to be calm while administering a spanking, but the truth is that most parents hit their children when they are angry.

And children are utterly defenseless in such moments. There is no quid pro quo. I can hit you but you hit me back and you are in big trouble.

Smacking your little one out of anger is the worst feeling.

There are few more draining responsibilities than parenting. It taxes all your reserves of patience and wisdom, and there’s nothing like having a child to discover how little you may have of either.

It doesn’t help if your life is claimed by many other things – that necessary evil called work, for example.

The lack of time is the greatest enemy of parents, not the lack of corporal punishment.

When time is of the essence, it’s tempting to take the easy way out: give in (Junior doesn’t want to tidy up his room? Never mind, the maid can do it), or shut down a situation quickly by using force.

Either way, the idea is to avoid dealing with uncomfortable issues.

But discipline is not about making children behave better, or making them more amenable and agreeable.

It’s about empowerment, so they can deal with all those demands of life on their own once you have to let them go.

This means making time and space to listen to what they really need – which may be expressed in unlikable, even unacceptable, ways – and then thinking through a solution. Not wielding a rod to gain instant compliance.

It’s a tall order which I fail all the time to live up to.

But I know I have to try, because if I’m not on my child’s side, who’s going to be?

R. WILKS HCI 3/05

Personal response:

I do not totally agree with the writer’s views.

I do not agree with the point that the writer has made regarding the fact that parents should not use “corporal punishment” to punish and educate the child but should instead use other methods such as “making time and space to listen to what they really have to say”. The writer is under the assumption that such a method would work and that the child would be educated in a way that would give desired results. The fact that the children who educated in such a way may actually turn out in the opposite undesired way as they might even take whatever “time and space” that the parent has given him or her and might actually think that the parent is being too soft.

What I think would be a more appropriate way of handling such a matter is that the parent should first start with analyzing the working method of the two methods (corporal punishment or listening to the child and educating him or her slowly) before proceeding with the appropriate punishment/education method. If the parent is unable to properly analyze the child’s character and use the appropriate method, then the parent can use a more “open” method such as simply communicating and negotiating with the child first, so that both parent and child can come to a mutual understanding, and hence preventing the possibility of a backfire.

I also do not agree with the writer about the fact that parents usually hit or punish their children simply out of anger. I actually think that these parents actually hit or punish their children due to the fact that they think that caning can be a deterrent to their wrongdoings, and not just as a simple venting of their rage. The parents think that by punishing their children with “corporal punishment”, they would be able to educate their children into correcting their mistakes as they would “fear” such a punishment again. Hence, I feel that there are parents who actually punish their children with “corporal punishment” and I disagree with the writer that such a method does not work at all, as there is no evidence that is shown by the writer that every single case of using this method to educate the child has not worked at all.